11.16.2017//04.06.2020//04.09.2025 (poem)

First written/rewritten here

I wrote this in 2017,2020, and again right now

I lie in futile wait
eternity dusts the cobwebs forming between my lonely fingers
my turn tends to come too close to never because I’m usually the first body in the room
forever earlybird-girl too afraid to miss her shot
I take the first step in the direction you’re pulling so hard away from
even when you’re not you
part of me lingers with Hope, that I’ll see you at the end of the road

walking, I can’t turn around
blink and find myself backtracking, toward Forgiveness on the road a while back, drinking herself silly at the bar in the 24-hour restaurant you drunk texted her to meet you at for the long awaited reconciliation you promised years ago
and last night, in dms
ignoring the fact that you probably passed out after pressing send
the thought of loving either one of us enough to mean something drifting into dreamland 

I stopped trying to get her to go home, she’s stubborn and believes in you more than I do
she still remembers how much you loved to sleep wrapped around a warm us-type
perfect temperature in the morning to slide between
and kiss lies into

I used to think like her
I used to join her on her binges, drawn to “our place” with another one of your drunk moments of vulnerability that disappeared at the first light of sobriety
sometimes, I’m too tempted
get my shoes on and walk halfway just to remember

we know you only text us at night

or night-adjacent, mind unmuted and finally left to your own devices,
we know you get brave enough and serious enough and open enough and honest enough to let us in for a second because the darkness is your security blanket and the alcohol is your insurance policy
incapacitate yourself to override the censors
you know truth from the lips of angels
we know that’s what you liked to call us

Closure used to pour our drinks as we compared the texts you sent wondering if this time is different and he tells us that we should wait and see
he’d go in the back to avoid telling us nothing’s changing
you’re not coming
to laugh
at our expense 

I met a different Closure, leaving tonight 
he’s funny, smart, tall
kinder, with remorse for his part in the game
I met Peace, leaving
hand outstretched to lace perfectly in mine 

at the end of road you’ve pulled so hard from, there is me
far from alone, like you dreamed
a new Forgiveness is walking next to me, now
telling me that even though you aren’t sorry we forgive you
New Closure holds my other hand with a kiss and lets my heart be free

I hope you enjoy the road, should you choose to walk it
I won’t be waiting for you
but I’ll bring you a housewarming gift if you ever get settled
kiss your cheeks and tell you that my love is always yours,
now, just a few neighborhoods away
another lifetime holds our hearts together,
and a little waiting wouldn’t kill you